


The Devil Inside Me

by Stephoki



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Casifer, Castiel in the Bunker, Completed, Dean in Denial, Destiel - Freeform, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Repressed, Emotionally compromised Dean Winchester, Eventual Fluff, Finished, Finished piece, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluffy Ending, Guilty Dean, Guilty Dean Winchester, Happy Ending, Hurt Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, Lucifer!Castiel, M/M, Season 11 Spoilers, Season/Series 11 Spoilers, Spoilers, Worried Dean, dean/cas - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-30
Updated: 2016-03-15
Packaged: 2018-05-17 03:37:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5852533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stephoki/pseuds/Stephoki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean finds out the harsh truth about Cas... and what led him to say "yes" in the first place.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was the little things that tipped Dean off in the beginning that something wasn’t quite right with Cas. Things like the way he spoke, there was something off about his gaze... and it was unsettling to say the least. Sam’s insistence that Cas was always a little “weird” did nothing to ease Dean’s nerves. Sure Cas was always odd, but in a Cas kind of way. He still always felt like Cas. But this just didn’t.  


However, Dean was worried about other things on top of Cas. After all there was a lot to worry about now with the darkness and his new found revelation that he was vulnerable, though he wasn’t quite sure in what way which of course set him on edge. So Dean’s thoughts were occupied and Cas’s situation was pushed to the back of Dean’s mind where it never quite went away but Dean never had time to dwell on it.  


Now, though, it all came crashing down around Dean. He realized he should have paid more attention to Cas, should have listened to his heart and the nagging at his mind that was telling him that something was wrong. He should have focused on Cas for just a little bit, Cas who was supposed to be his best friend.  


He watched the white sleeves being rolled up on Cas’s arms, and his mouth went dry. Little by little details would start hitting him in these next few moments. It was Cas’s mouth, but it wasn’t his smile, pulled up at one corner, teeth showing as if trying to threaten Dean. Cas’s eyes were still the most enticing blue he’d ever seen but behind the color there was hardness, a cruel gaze, seemingly entertained by Dean’s expression that kept fluctuating between shock and fear.  


“It seems like just yesterday we were all having that rendezvous at my place, am I right Dean?” Lucifer smiled from Cas’s familiar face, leaning back easily on Cas’s heels. “Now that sure was fun. It’s not everyday I get so many visitors.”  


“Go to hell,” Dean snapped through gritted teeth, his jaw clenching, eyes almost unblinking as if even those half seconds would result in Lucifer getting the upper hand.  


“Been there, done that. I thought I’d try something new. So here I am. And I gotta say, I am mmm, mmm, loving it.”  


Dean inhaled sharply through his nose, eyes narrowing. “How...” he trailed off, eyes searching the face for any recognition of Cas beyond the features.  


“How... how what? How did I hitch a ride up in this...? Or maybe, how did you not notice that your best friend just... wasn’t himself anymore?” Lucifer circled him, eyes twinkling with amusement now before he leaned in closer, too close for Dean’s liking and whispered, “Well, only you can answer that last one. You’ve got me. If /I/ had a best friend, I’d like to think I’d notice that he was just acting as a shabby town car for Satan himself. That’s all on you big boy.” He circled back around to the front and shrugged, sucking air through his teeth. “And as to how I got Cas here to say yes? How I convinced him that this was the best option? Well, to put it simply, I didn’t. But.... oh and you’re gonna love this one, you did. It was all you and that brother of yours.  


“You see, now that I’m in his body... I’m in his mind too. I know everything about him. Everything he feels, I can feel it too. Everything he knows, everything he’s seen, I can see it all. And there’s so much in here, Dean, you have no idea what your precious angel has been hiding all this time. So much... pain, and hurt. The things you’ve done to him,” he tisked and pouted, shaking his head at Dean.  


“What the hell are you going on about? I didn’t do anything to him. He’s my friend!”  


“Oh, so that’s what he is to you? Are you sure? Poor fella never would have guessed...”  


“You’re just trying to screw with me Lucifer, and like hell is it working. Cas knows damn well how I feel... I’ve told him a hundred times-”  


“Oh yes, you’ve said a lot of stuff Dean, a lot of times. But you know what? Actions speak louder than words Dean-o. Like back in the cage with dear old me, for instance. That was probably the last straw.”  


“What do you mean?” Dean stiffened.  


“Well I’m over here having my fun and... well let’s put this in Cas’s view shall we? You poof into the cage, courtesy of me of course, and what do you do? You run straight to your brother. It’s always your brother. Cas understands though sure. But then, there comes the mean ol’ devil and starts taking a pounding on Cas. He stood no chance against me really. And Cas looks at you to help him. He can’t do much down there after all and he thinks that surely Dean would say something, do something. And you sit there and don’t even look at him.”  


Dean licks over his dry lips, glaring into the eyes of the other, seeing nothing but Lucifer staring back at him now. “I have to look after my brother. He’s my /brother/... Cas is an angel, he could take care of himself...”  


“Ah! Yes he is... now. But what about when he was human? After the falling of the angels? What about then Dean? From what I can feel, he needed you then more than ever and you kick him out. You tell him he couldn’t stay with you anymore. He sat right at that table, finally feeling safe... feeling at home, and you tell him to leave.”  


“Because Sam was in danger and I-”  


“What about after Sam was all better? How many times did you run into Cas? And how many times did you invite him to come back? To live with you? You didn’t, Dean. And it hurt Cas... you should feel the things I can feel right now Dean... Cas doesn’t want me to tell you these things. He doesn’t want to make you feel... guilty. But I think you have a right to know.”  


Lucifer stood up straight again, walking closer to Dean. “You send him on missions. You don’t check up on him. You don’t look at him twice when he’s in danger. You only do what you have to. He’s just an asset to you. He feels... he feels expendable. When he finally goes, gets taken down by whoever it is, me, Amara, even you... then you’ll find someone else. You’ll bury him and never look back.”  


“That’s not true!” Dean yelled then, his stomach twisting. How could he ever make Cas feel like that? He’s told him how much he meant to them. He’d told him how many times how much... Dean swallowed thickly as he thought back to everything. He told Cas how much he was needed. And Dean understood how it could be taken. But he never meant to make Cas feel like he wasn’t important, like they didn’t care. When he got sick he tried to make him feel better, he kept an eye on him, but he always treated him like they could keep moving on. “That’s not how I feel Cas.” He said it carefully, slowly, trying to reach something, anything in there that was really his best friend.  


Lucifer however didn’t seem to pay any attention to Dean’s outburst. “You want to know how he feels about you, Dean?” Lucifer’s expression seemed to shift a bit and he frowned, straightening his shoulders a bit. “He really doesn’t want me to tell you. He’s putting up a fight right now.”  


“Stop it!” Dean yelled, face turning slightly red. He realized exactly what Lucifer was doing. He was hurting Cas just as much as he was hurting Dean. He was torturing them both.  


“Oh come on. You can’t honestly tell me you aren’t even a little curious as to how your angel feels about you.”  


Dean thought about it, a little too long in fact as Lucifer took it agreement. Dean barely even realized how close Lucifer had gotten. “You, Dean Winchester, are Cas’s undoing. You’re the reason he rebelled, the reason he fights. It’s not for ‘humanity’, it’s for you. It’s for Dean Winchester. After all that you’ve put him through, however many times you’ve left him forgotten and feeling unwanted, this little angel in here, he’s in love with you,” Lucifer hissed in his ear and Dean stood there, shocked at the words, wondering if they were true. It flashed through his mind that none of what he was saying Cas felt was true. It was all to manipulate Dean. And Dean tried to shake it off, ignore it. “At a loss for words? Can’t even talk to him about it? I know I’m here and all but I won’t eavesdrop, I promise,” Lucifer stepped back. “Cas is all yours. He can hear everything, see everything. Go ahead, tell him how you feel Dean.”  


Dean stood stock still, glaring at Lucifer. After a few more moments of silence Lucifer sighed and shrugged again. “Too bad. Oh goodness if only you could feel this right now. Such a shame that’s how he’s going to spend the rest of his days, heartbroken and alone in here.”  


“What do you mean?” Dean asked, his chest tightening at the phrasing Lucifer used in ‘last days’. “What are you going to do to him?”  


“Me? Oh, nothing on purpose I can assure you. But you do remember now, I only have one true vessel. And I’m afraid me defeating Amara for you, well he’s just going to... burn up...”  


Dean’s mouth opened and closed. There was no way he could let that happen to Cas. “We’ll stop you. We’ll send you back to the cage and I’m going to save Cas. He never should have agreed in the first place...” he breathed out huffily.  


“Oh come on now, I have to at least honor Cas’s last wishes. All he wanted was to stop Amara... and save you of course. Don’t even try to stop me, Dean Winchester,” Lucifer grinned at him one more time before disappearing and Dean looked around him, his heart sinking. What in God’s name had he done?


	2. Chapter 2

After that day Dean couldn’t bring himself to leave the bunker. He stayed inside, pulling every book available to him off the shelves, going into the furthest depths of every google search, trying his best to find a way to save his best friend. Sam tried to help him track Lucifer down, but the devil was impossible to find. Every lead they had was a dead end and with each passing day, every means that they exhausted, and every book that came up empty, Dean was becoming more depressed, more determined. 

“The only thing I can think of is Crowley...” Sam frowned as he stared at the computer screen before leaning back in the chair and rubbing his eyes. Crowley’s method, the one that had saved Sam, helped him push Gadreel out of his mind and body, was the only hope they had. Except Crowley, who was fearing he was already on Lucifer’s target list if the darkness were defeated, didn’t want to get in the middle of this. 

“What are we going to do?” Dean ran a hand down his face, trying to refocus his own tired eyes on the book in front of him. “I can’t find anything. There has to be a way to save Cas.” 

“I don’t know Dean. I don’t know... but we’ll figure something out...” Sam sighed and let his eyes glance over his exhausted brother who was clearly running himself ragged. “You should get some sleep.” 

“I don’t need sleep Sam. I need to find something!” Dean slammed the book closed and pushed it off the table, putting his face in both hands now. 

“You aren’t any use when you’re this tired. Go to bed. I’ll stay up a little longer and see what I can narrow down.” 

Dean looked up at Sam and licked over his lips before finally standing up, leaving the room without a word. He doubted he’d be able to sleep. Too many things going on in his mind, and every time he managed to sleep, mostly with the help of sleep aids, he kept having this terrible dream. It was the same one every single night. 

The park was normal, nothing too special about it. There were sidewalks and kids on the playground and on one of the benches by a lake there was Cas. He was sitting straight, like he used to when Dean first met him, rigid and never relaxed. He could only see him from behind; His dark hair mussed in all different directions, falling over the tan collar of the trenchcoat that fell at the bottom of the bench. Dean always walked up. He knew he didn’t have to but he always seemed to gravitate towards him and the closer he got the darker the world around him became. By the time he reached his best friend there would be a storm rolling in, lightning, thunder, the lake lapping furiously at the shore. Dean would look down at Cas who looked... so tired, each night even more so like everything was being drained from him. His dark hair would blow in the fervent winds, his tie flapping against his chest, his eyes drained of all color along with his face, the bags under them more prominent than ever. He looked like he had lost all hope and Dean would stand there and call to him, he’d try to reach him but the winds would pick up and push him back from his friend. He’d be screaming over it, trying to get Cas’s attention and every so often it would work. Not every dream, but sometimes. And when it did Cas would slowly turn his head to look at him, as if it hurt to move, was too much to hold his head up, and his eyes would lock on Dean. The first dream Dean had gotten through Cas had only said two words to him. He’d searched him up and down with those weak eyes and he’d just manage, “I’m sorry.” And it were as if his words, as weak as they were, could overpower everything around them. It was the only thing Dean could hear. The second time he told Dean, “I can’t stop him.” But it was the last time Cas had managed to get through to him that Dean remembered the most, it was what kept him up at night and made Dean fear falling asleep again. Cas had looked him dead in the eyes, weaker than ever, voice low and raspy and he begged Dean, “Please... save me.” 

Since that last night Dean hadn’t spent a moment trying to sleep. He’d been hunched over books, on the phone, on the computer. He’d been doing everything, those words still ringing in his ears. The worst part was, he knew Cas was reaching him the only way he knew how, by dream. It wasn’t just some part of Dean’s subconscious, taunting him, dragging him through the guilt. This was Cas, asking him to help him, relying on Dean to do what Dean had failed at so many times before. The last time Dean realized he’d failed Cas had been after purgatory and Dean had never gotten over that. No matter the fact that he knew Cas had sacrificed himself to save Dean... he could never get the memories that his mind created out of his head. Cas reaching out for him, trying to grab on, trying to get through the portal and Dean just letting him slip through his fingers. Dean shuddered now as he thought back on it and he sat down on the edge of his bed, staring blankly at the wall in front of him. He wasn’t ready for tonight. He was scared of seeing Cas, of what he might say this time, of the failure that was weighing Dean down because he just... didn’t know how to save his best friend. However, what scared him even more was if this night, Cas didn’t show up. It would mean that Cas was too weak to even try to contact him, or even worse, that Dean was too late. Dean’s hands clenched in his lap and he grit his teeth, squeezing his eyes shut and taking a deep breath. He wished he had a beer, but he couldn’t go back in now to grab one without Sam asking questions. He’d have to force himself through the night and get back to work the moment the sun rose in the morning. If it was the last thing he did, Dean was determined to save Cas. There was nothing on this earth, in hell below, or heaven above that would stop Dean now. One way or another, he was going to save Cas, he was going to prove to him that he was worth it, and he was never going to let Cas feel expendable ever again. And with that, Dean peeled off his shirt, kicked his pants to the side, and crawled in under the covers, taking one more deep breath before he leaned over, turned the light off, and settled against his pillow, closing his eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

The dream was different this night. Dean could feel it as soon as he realized where he was. Because he was there, but it was storming, rain pelting the ground but Dean couldn’t feel the cold through his jacket. He didn’t have any choice but to walk over to Cas. That’s how Dean knew this one, was just his own dream, something his mind was forcing on him. Cas was sitting just like he usually did but this time, when Cas turned to look at Dean there was anger in his eyes and Dean swallowed. Before he knew it Cas had gotten up and pushed him against the tree, taking a punch at him before holding him up by the collar like he had the night Cas had gotten angry of him for thinking of saying yes to Michael. Cas’s face was inches away from Dean’s and Dean stiffened. 

“This is your fault!” Cas spat at him and Dean shrunk back even further. 

“Cas, I swear I didn’t mean to!” Dean swallowed thickly. 

“Didn’t mean to? Didn’t mean to what? Let the devil go free among the outside world? Make your chances of saving the people even harder? Or teaching me that I’m not important. In heaven or to you! At least up there I’d have a mission, maybe I’d still have my wings Dean, but no. I stayed on Earth and I fought for you, I fought to save you and how do you repay me?!” 

Cas pulled Dean back and threw him to the ground before planting a foot in his stomach. “You were never worth my time but I didn’t realize it until it was too late. Now I’m going to die for you Dean Winchester and you can’t even manage to save me! If it were your brother you’d find a way wouldn’t you?” 

“Cas, you don’t understand. You’ve got this all wrong! Cas please... I need you!” Dean yelled at him as he scrambled to get up and Cas kicked him down again. 

“You need me. You always need me, never want me. Never care about me. I’m just another tool in the Winchester’s arsenal. With an angel on your side you think you can’t lose. You think you’re hot stuff don’t you Dean? Because I threw myself at your feet and did whatever you asked of me!” 

“No! No I don’t! I... I want you Cas! You’re my best friend! I don’t want to lose you. Cursed or not remember?” 

“Yeah? Well it’s too late for that Dean, because I’m dying. I’m trapped and you can’t save me,” Cas hissed at him this time and when Dean looked up Cas’s face was burning, like Lucifer’s last vessel in the real world, chipping away. Dean watched in horror as Cas began to crumble, smiling at him evilly, laughing. Not Cas. The way Lucifer had in Cas’s body, taunting him. 

For the first time that night, Dean Winchester bolted up in bed, his sheets soaked with sweat, a chill down to his bones. This time, Dean finally went out for that beer.


	4. Chapter 4

Dean knew that drinking before you go to sleep could make your dreams a little crazy. But he usually ignored that fact and did it anyways. Just like tonight. Except with the luck he was having he probably shouldn’t have pushed it. He found that out the hard way when he finally fell back asleep because Sam wouldn’t accept three hours as getting enough to make him useful again. 

So Dean had let himself fall back under the influence of sleep that night and the dream he had was unlike any other he’d had before. It wasn’t... terrifying, didn’t make Dean wake up in a cold sweat, or fear that he’d lost Cas. This one was different. And all Dean had to blame it on was the beer even though he knew that wasn’t the only factor that came into play this night. 

It all started off with Dean waking up, in his own room, as if he’d had a dreamless night. Dean walked out into the bunker, heading straight for the table where all their research was laid out... or used to be laid out. It was bare now and Dean frowned. “Sam! What the hell did you do with everything?” He yelled out and went to go find him. Someone was in the kitchen and Dean assumed it was Sam so he went to go find him and get on him about putting all of their stuff up. 

“Sammy what the hell were you-” Dean trailed off as he walked into the kitchen, finding a black head of hair, a tan trenchcoat, and the smell of pancakes and bacon. “Cas?” he breathed out before shaking his head. “How the hell did you get in here?” He snapped. It wasn’t Cas. Cas wasn’t here, this was... Lucifer. 

“Hello Dean... I uh, came in through the front door, as I normally do?” Cas stated it as a question. “I have learned how to make pancakes. So I made some for you and Sam. Is he here?” 

“Like hell am I telling you!” Dean frowned. “I don’t want your poison ass pancakes.” 

Cas frowned and looked down at them. “I know I’m not the best cook, Dean. But I promise they will not poison you.” 

“Stop messing with me! I know it’s you Lucifer. I’m going to stop you. I’m going to get Cas back. You messed with the wrong angel!” 

“Dean, I don’t understand. Lucifer is in the cage,” Cas put the pan back on the stove and went over to Dean, squinting as he looked at him and placed a hand against his forehead. “You feel a little warm. Are you feeling alright Dean? Perhaps you should return to bed? I can always bring the food there...” 

“What do you mean he’s in the cage?” 

“Dean, he’s been in the cage since the apocalypse. He can’t escape.” 

“Rowena cast some kind of spell and got him up! Because of Amara. Sam thought Lucifer could help or something ... who the hell knows. And then we went to save him and you... you said yes to him. Because he needed a vessel to get out of the cage!” Dean was gesturing wildly and staring at Cas. “How did you... how did Lucifer? No it’s still... Cas isn’t talking to me right now. He just isn’t.” 

“Dean, we never went to the cage. Sit down. Don’t you remember? We stopped Sam from going. Crowley called us and told us his plans. Lucifer isn’t out. This is just me. You must have had a very bad dream. Probably caused by the fever you have. Now get to bed,” Cas pushed Dean into the kitchen chair to talk to him before pointing back to his room. Dean blinked for a moment, a million emotions passing through his face at one time. 

“You mean you’re... Cas? My Cas?” Dean breathed out shakily as he watched him. 

“Yes I am Cas. I can be your Cas if that’s what you wish.” 

Dean stood up and before he knew what he was doing he had caught Cas by the face and smashed his lips onto his. But he pulled back just as quickly. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that, I could get you sick...” his face turned red as he babbled. 

“I am an angel of the Lord, Dean. I may not have my wings, but I doubt I would catch a common human flu,” Cas pointed out. “And I think I would like it if you did that again...” his voice got softer as he looked at Dean and Dean reached out for him, he wanted him. 

But his alarm went off before he got the chance. And Cas was gone. And Dean was back in his bed, staring at the wall in front of him, taking in big gulps of air and trying to process what his subconscious had just created.


	5. Chapter 5

The dreams came again each night after. Every dream was different, even by something small. Some terrified Dean, others made him ache inside in ways he always tried to push down. But none of them held the real Cas and Dean’s ache just burned deeper inside of him. 

It wasn’t for another two weeks before Dean finally saw Cas again. Even then it wasn’t really Cas. Lucifer was back at his old games but this time the brothers were ready. They weren’t entirely sure what the plan was, but they knew it involved catching and keeping Lucifer first. That by itself was hard enough. It took the two of them, plus Crowley, plus a shit ton of Men of Letters spells and angel paraphernalia to finally hold him. Tied to a chair in the dungeon, same spot where they’d kept Crowley all those years ago, and then Dean. This time, a ring of holy fire surged around him just for extra precaution in case the bindings and spells didn’t work. They’d made sure all water sources were too far to put out the flames and now Dean stood there, staring at him... them... 

Outside the dungeon Sam was arguing with Crowley, trying to get him to make a journey into Cas’s mind and pull him out. Crowley of course was resisting. So Dean stood there silently and watched, trying to ignore Lucifer’s taunting. Dean wanted nothing more than to talk to Cas but there was no way Lucifer would let him do that, and talking through him just felt wrong. He prayed to Cas every night anymore but he wasn’t sure Cas would even be able to hear the prayers. But since Cas wasn’t in his dreams anymore it was the only way Dean could think of that he might be able to reach out to Cas. 

After what felt like forever, Dean finally left the room. He couldn’t take it. Besides, Lucifer was stuck down here for good now. He couldn’t keep burning up Cas by using his powers and energy. All he could do was sit and wait until Dean found some way to save his best friend.


	6. Chapter 6

The next few days were spent hidden inside the bunker unless they had a case that required urgency. Even then, Dean didn’t like leaving Cas or Lucifer behind. The former because the longer they waited the more anxious Dean got about being able to save him. However, the latter was because he didn’t trust him. For all they knew he was just waiting for the right moment and none of this was actually holding him. 

Then, the days they spent inside the bunker were spent buried in books or trying out different methods of exorcising Lucifer from Cas’s body. There wasn’t much to find. It seemed like nothing had a damn thing to help them. Demons, sure. Nothing about angels to help them. They’d managed to find one way that had worked in the past, only one, and Crowley refused to help them. 

So now, all they had were crappy exorcisms where Dean would stand in a corner and Sam would read off from his book something along the lines of, “Exorcizámos te, ómnis immúnde spíritus, ómnis satánic potéstas, ómnis infernális adversárii, ómnis légio, ómnis congregátio et sécta diabólica, in nómine et virtúte Dómini nóstri Jésu Chrísti, eradicáre et effugáre a Dei Ecclésia, ab animábus ad imáginem Dei cónditis ac pretióso divíni Ágni sánguine redémptis.” 

Lucifer usually proceeded to laugh at him, unfazed by any of this. Which only made Dean even angrier or more determined to find something that would work. So he’d go back upstairs and slam the door on his way out, throwing more books off the shelves, exhausting every means available to him. He’d call religious leaders, professors of religion or mythology, anything. 

Which of course led him to what he was doing now. This newest remedy seemed like a bull shit one if Dean ever saw one. He’d filled a bucket with water and added rock salt to it. Then he stepped inside the circle, closest to Lucifer. As soon as he was in the circle, Sam lit the holy fire. Dean watched for a moment as it burned and crackled around him before he knelt in front of what was his Cas, or used to be, or still was... somewhere in there. He had to undo the bindings around Lucifer’s legs and he had to roll up Cas’s pants and remove Cas’s shoes and socks from his feet before placing them in the bucket as he prayed. 

The remedy itself called for the one performing the ritual to pray to God, but no one knew where God was right now or why he’d let this happen to Cas. So instead, that’s who Dean prayed to. Cas. Maybe he’d be able to hear him after all. Maybe this would strengthen him, help to encourage him to push Lucifer out. 

What Dean didn’t necessarily expect is for the ritual to strengthen Lucifer himself. For a while Dean had even thought that just maybe it was working. But then there was a snap, the unmistakable sound of metal breaking apart and then Dean’s pants were soaked as the bucket was kicked away, the water seeping over the line of holy fire, extinguishing it as Lucifer stood. 

Sam, who’d been watching from a safe distance, began to run forward, an angel blade in his hand even though Dean had made it very clear that there would be nothing involved that could harm Cas in any way. He didn’t get close enough to reach him either way. Lucifer stretched casually and looked up, raising his hand and flinging Sam across the room, pinning him. Then he turned back to look at Dean. 

“You’re trying so very hard. I can give you that,” Lucifer tilted his head to the side. “There’s nothing that can make me leave this vessel unless I want to, Dean. Cas isn’t about to tell me to leave. Not if he thinks I can save you. And he does. He can see in my head too. He knows.” His other hand reached down as he bent over, grabbing Dean by the coat collar and lifting him up, slamming him into the nearest wall, thumb pressing below Dean’s jaw, squeezing. 

Dean’s eyes watered and he grabbed at the hand around his neck. Even though Cas himself was a few inches shorter than Dean, Lucifer managed to hold Dean up until his toes could barely scrape the ground. It was only for a moment though before he pulled back and landed a punch right to Dean’s face, scraping his lip against his teeth and breaking the skin. 

The next few moments passed by in blur. It was as if they were back by the impala, before the end of the eminent apocalypse. Sam’s hands slamming against him, making his face swell and his body ache. Only this time it was reversed. On the edge of what could very well be the end of the world as they knew it, Sam helpless, still pinned under metal shelves and knocked half unconscious. These were Cas’s hands and feet, causing his nose to bleed, his leg to twist in an unnatural position, his stomach to convulse until he spat up blood. And Dean was helpless to do anything about it. All he could do was be there and resign himself that he could very well die at the hands of his best friend. 

No... Cas was more than that. Dean had to finally face it now. What else was there for him to think about in his pain and suffering other than Cas and that he couldn’t save him. All of this and he couldn’t save Cas. Water leaked out of Dean’s swollen eye and down his cheek. Whether it was from the pain or the notion that he couldn’t save Cas, he wasn’t sure. It wasn’t until Lucifer picked Dean back up, holding him against the wall, Dean’s arm gripping at Cas’s trenchcoat tightly, holding him, remembering the last time he’d gripped his coat as if it may be the last thing he held. It had been when Naomi had been controlling Cas, when Cas was ordered to kill him, when Dean looked up at him and told him that he needed him. When he made Cas break free from Naomi’s brainwashing. 

And there was Sam, all those years ago, who looked at something in the car, in Dean, and he’d stopped. Sam had taken control of Lucifer and forcibly thrown both of them into the cage. 

That’s when Dean had the idea. Maybe, it could work again. With Cas... against Lucifer. Dean looked deep into Cas’s eyes, trying to see him inside of the blue. Somewhere. His hands scrambled against the sleeve as his airway was cut off and black spots swam in front of his eyes. “Cas...” he thought, prayed to him, because he couldn’t speak even if he wanted to. “Please... I need you. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you but I need you. Cas, I...” Even his thinking stuttered as the hand around his neck let go and Dean’s feet hit the ground. 

Dean sucked in much needed oxygen, black spots once again swimming as the oxygen re entered his bloodstream. 

“No...” Cas growled. Not Cas... Lucifer. Lucifer growled it. Obviously fighting for control. 

Dean slid to the ground weakly, slumping against the wall. 

“No!” 

There wasn’t any smoke, or anything really. Dean expected maybe a bright flash of light at the very least. Instead it was like a heaviness in the air was lifted. Everything that had been weighing Dean down before felt like it had just dissipated. And when he managed to open his eyes, he expected that maybe Cas would be gone, just like before. Except Cas was kneeling down in front of him, staring at Dean. 

Dean stared back at him out of his good eye as if he were truly examining Cas, trying to figure out if it were really him. Cas looked pale now, he was shaking even as he knelt in front of Dean. His eyes were bluer than they’d been only moments ago, even though they looked so tired and worn out. 

“Dean...” 

Dean’s eyes closed and his head slumped back against the cool concrete as he took in a deep breath. He even sounded like Cas again. A very weak version of Cas, but Cas. 

“I never.... meant for....” 

“Shut up, Cas,” Dean let out a gruff laugh and he opened his eyes as Cas landed on his butt beside Dean, at an angle against the wall. He could feel it now. His Cas was back. For once, Dean had done something right. He’d saved him.


	7. Chapter 7

Sam had managed to move himself out from under the shelving and he’d made his way over to the other two. Dean was more than sure that Sam wasn’t buying that Cas was Cas... yet. Sam didn’t have any good reason to believe him to be completely honest and Dean understood why Sam would be so weary. How many times now had Lucifer tried to kill him? 

But this time Dean knew it was Cas. He paid attention to the little details. Right at that moment, the man in front of him was the most important thing in the world and Dean couldn’t focus on the darkness or any other shit. So he could tell, from the soft look in Cas’s tired eyes, to the way his hands and fingers moved by his sides. 

Dean made his way to his feet, slowly, and with Sam’s help, and he reached down to help Cas up. They all made their way out into the bunker and Dean went to get pain meds and bandages and whatever else they needed. He was insistent on helping Cas feel better. He really needed it now more than ever. 

An hour later Sam was in his room, trying to sleep off the events of the day, and Dean was keeping a close eye on Cas who was laying in his own bed, curled underneath a blanket and trembling slightly. It was an awkward silence. After all of that and Dean couldn’t figure out a damn thing to say to the guy. Apparently Cas couldn’t think of anything either. That or he was too tired to talk. 

There were too many mixed emotions going on inside of Dean. He was happy and relieved that Cas was back. But now that Cas really was okay, inside the bunker with them, in front of Dean’s eyes, he couldn’t help but be angry with him. He knew Cas’s reasoning for saying yes, but at the same time, didn’t Cas even think of what would happen? Of course Lucifer would try to kill the brothers, he’d try to cause chaos. Had none of that occured to Cas? And more than that, why hadn’t he just expelled him before? All Sam had to do was say no to Gadreel and he kicked the angel out, bags and all. 

Dean was sitting in the chair across the bedroom from Cas and watching him. He knew Cas was still awake, he could see his eyes open and looking around the room even though he remained silent. 

“What made you push him out, Cas? Why now?” Dean looked over at Cas finally. Ever since he thought about how Sam had managed to get rid of Gadreel, he couldn’t get it out of his mind. The problem they’d had with Sam was reaching him. Gadreel had blocked all of Sam’s knowledge of what was happening while he wasn’t in control. But Cas knew. Dean knew he did because he stopped Lucifer from killing Sam, he’d contacted Dean through dreams. 

“He was going to kill you Dean. You were going to let him unless I banished him... I couldn’t let you die,” Cas stated it matter of factly, only glancing over at Dean. 

“Yes, but didn’t you think of that risk when you said yes to him?” Dean frowned, eyebrows pulling down over his hard green eyes. 

“No... I didn’t have time to think of that. I thought only of saving you. Saving the world. Being useful...” Cas looked at him this time and Dean felt his heart sink. 

“And what about after? When you kept coming to me in my dreams?” Dean asked him. 

“He was keeping me from reaching you. That was all I could do. He had me trapped inside my own mind. I was being held prisoner, Dean.” 

“Why did you stop? Did it get to be too much?” 

“You have many questions, don’t you?” Cas sighed and forced himself to sit up, grimacing a little. “I didn’t stop trying. You were blocking me out with dreams of your own. I don’t know what they were, but they prevented me from entering.” 

Dean felt a blush beginning to crawl up his neck and he felt lucky that the room was dark. He licked over his lips and watched Cas, eyes flickering between both of Cas’s blue ones. 

“Is that all, Dean? May I sleep now?” 

“Angels don’t sleep. You told me that yourself.” 

“Yes, however I’m more human than I was before Dean. I did explain this to you before. Though I understand my habits were never of interest to you.” 

“Cas, shut up.” 

“Why? I’m merely stating the truth. You only hold interest in me when I am useful to you. And my usefulness seems to be deteriorating quickly. You and I both know this, Dean. Soon you will no longer have use for me at all and I will simply be forgotten. I have made peace with this and you should too.” 

“No, Cas! I said shut up! You have no idea how we feel about you. How I feel about you. And I know that’s not your fault because we suck with this emotions shit but you aren’t just someone I’m going to forget. You aren’t something I call on when I need help. I figured you had a life too now, you know? I’m not going to force you into mine when I didn’t think you wanted to be there,” Dean stood up a little, limping on one side of the bed, pacing. 

“Why would you believe that I wouldn’t want to be with you, Dean? I’ve never expressed a disinterest in you,” Cas’s eyes narrowed and followed Dean up and down the length of the wall. 

“Because, I’m me. I’m a used to be drunk who depends on coffee to run anymore. I’m getting old and I still live with my brother. I’m just... not the kind of guy that’s interesting. You’ve never had a chance to live your own life before so I didn’t want to impose,” Dean shrugged. 

“You’re interesting to me, Dean.” Cas’s voice was soft but it made an impact with Dean and he stopped pacing and looked over at him. 

“Cas... what Lucifer said, I mean... I know he’s satan and all, but... was it true? What you thought about me?” Dean asked him and he waited, listening to silence beginning to swallow the room. 

After what felt like too long Cas sighed. “Yes... it took me a while to discern them as angels aren’t used to emotions. However, once I became human it was very clear to me how I felt. But by then I was only human. Truly useless to your cause. I was merely a burden and you sent me away. It was then that I understood another human emotion I’d never felt before.” 

Dean wasn’t an idiot. He knew what that meant and he wasn’t about to make Cas admit out loud that Dean had broken his heart. He felt the weight shifted on the bed as he sat down. “Cas, I’m sorry. I never meant to make you feel expendable. Or like a waste of space. You’re important to me. Whether you’re an angel, human, anything in between. We’ve been through heaven and hell together. And purgatory for that matter. There’s nowhere, no challenge that I have to face that I don’t want you there with me to help me fight it. Even if it’s just by giving me encouragement to be completely honest.” 

“If I were human and useless as far as powers go, I’d like to learn to fight and hunt with you, Dean. Not just sit inside the bunker and watch television reruns...” 

“No, Cas. You aren’t understanding. I mean, if that’s all you could do I’d want you here anyways. But... you know... doing that would at least keep you safe. And that’s important to me. Real important.” 

“It is also imperative to me to keep you safe. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you Dean. And I apologize if that makes you uncomfortable... I realize you-” 

“That’s the whole point Cas! You don’t realize. You don’t understand how stupid I am because I don’t know how to put it into words that I love you! That sitting here and letting you think that you’re worth nothing to me absolutely tears me apart. The fact that you’d rather kill yourself by letting Lucifer burn you up because I made you feel like you didn’t matter, it makes me sick alright? Stop telling me that I don’t care because I do. And you had me worried sick Cas. I haven’t been able to sleep right for weeks, since I found out. I ran on instant coffee and whatever Sam brought home and force fed me because I didn’t want to stop looking to find some way to save you. I don’t give a shit about the darkness or the end of the world or anything when you’re in trouble. Not really...” Dean shook his head, running a hand through his hair and looking over at Cas who looked a little shell shocked. Dean took that chance to leave while he could, looking over at Cas and telling him to get some sleep and he’d be back to check on him and bring him food in a little while. Then he quickly slipped out the door, face and neck burning hot red, even if it felt good to finally get all of that off his chest.


	8. Chapter 8

The encounters after that were brief and silent. Dean brought Cas food for dinner and a snack and made sure he was comfortable a few times before he finally retreated to his own room to go to bed. He was exhausted from the day’s events and he collapsed into the touch of the memory foam and the soft sheets. He hadn’t truly gotten to enjoy the feeling of them since he’d found out about Cas. And now he could feel just how heavy his eyelids were, just how much every bone and muscle in him ached from long nights and exhausted attempts at finding a metaphorical saving grace. He was out in minutes for once, not able to keep his eyes open a moment longer. 

More dreams came to plague him that night. Dean thought that maybe since Cas safe now that they’d rest... let him rest. But apparently it was too much to ask for. The dreams crept into his mind. All of them about Cas. Most of them about Cas in peril, Cas dying, Cas missing... He was tossing and turning, most of his sheets falling to the floor around the bed, leaving Dean’s mostly naked form in the middle of the cold bed. 

Most of the time the dreams woke him up in the middle of the night, but when Dean found him suddenly aware of the room around him, the dreams having fallen from his mind, it was because of the door creaking open in his bedroom. Dean held his breath for a moment to gain his bearings. Despite the cold there was a sheen of sweat covering his chest and back and under the waistband of his boxers. In the moment there was the sound of feet shifting on the floor awkwardly, sidestepping one another. Eventually that made Dean roll over onto his side to look up at the doorway where a dark figure was backlit and it took some focusing on Dean’s part to realize that it was Cas. 

“Cas? What are you doing?” Dean pushed himself up, letting his eyes adjust a bit more. 

Cas stood there, wringing his hands and clearing his throat. He was mostly leaning against the door for support. “I was having nightmares Dean,” Cas said. Dean watched and pressed his lips into a thin line. For Cas that seemed like an odd reason to come and sneak into Dean’s bedroom. 

“And? Are you alright?” 

“I am now...” Cas shifted again, stepping back a bit at Dean’s tone and Dean sighed, having not meant for it to come out as accusing as it had. “I just... it was about you. I needed....” His voice trailed off and his eye were cast down at his fingers. 

“You needed to make sure I’m okay? That it was just a dream...” Dean finished for him. He understood the feeling all too well except every time Dean had gotten up to go check the room they’d saved for Cas he’d never be there. “I understand... I thought they’d go away by now. You know, now that you’re back.” 

“You were having bad dreams too?” Cas glanced up at him then, looking more innocent than he had in a long time. Dean nodded in reply. “Perhaps... I could sleep in here tonight?” 

Dean thought he must have been seeing things when it seemed liked Cas’s face darkened in color in the little bit of light coming in from the hall. 

“I mean... it might be easier. If we have more of these nightmares then we would be there when the other woke up from them. You don’t have to say yes... it was probably a stupid idea.” 

Dean shook his head then and sat up, scooting over in the bed. “No, it’s fine.” He would be lying if he said his palms weren’t getting a little sweaty. He hadn’t felt like this since junior high and it made him uncomfortable but the thrill he got from it made him keep wanting more. After a moment Cas slowly limped over to the bed and sat down gingerly on top of the sheets as if he didn’t want to disturb anything. 

“Thank you, Dean...” 

“You can relax you know... it’s fine. I don’t bite,” Dean whispered, feeling like speaking too loud would be a waste of his breath now that Cas was so close. “You look stiff as a board.” It was another moment before Cas finally allowed himself to sink into the mattress and he carefully placed himself underneath the covers, glancing over at Dean to make sure what he was doing was acceptable. 

“Goodnight, Dean,” Cas said after a moment, turning to lay on his side. 

Dean turned to face the other direction and shifted until he was comfortable. “Goodnight, Cas.” 

He settled down a bit more, letting the covers left on the bed pool around his waist, his hands finding their way under the pillow. It was silent for a moment and even as Dean closed his eyes he couldn’t sleep. He kept thinking about how close Cas was behind him. He could just roll over and shift a little closer and they’d be pressed together, Dean’s chest against Cas’s back. After all they’d gotten through what was supposed to be the hard part right? Cas had admitted that he loved Dean. Surely he wouldn’t object. But still Dean stayed put. 

It was another few minutes before Dean felt Cas adjust beside him. “Dean?” 

“Hmm?” 

“Did you mean what you said, you when you told me you loved me?” Cas shifted so he was now facing Dean’s back. Dean remained silent for a moment before he turned to face Cas as well. 

“Yeah. I did. Like I said I’m not good with all these feelings things you know?” Dean shrugged weakly and met Cas’s gaze. Cas looked tired still, despite having rested all day. Dean assumed it would be a while before he looked like his old self again. 

“Dean?” 

“Yes, Cas?” 

“Can I kiss you?” The question settled in the air and Dean’s eyes glanced from Cas’s down to his lips. Cas’s eyes however never left Dean’s face, trying to read and gauge his reaction. “That is what people who love each other tend to-” 

Dean cut him off. His hand had reached up to cup Cas’s cheek softly and he lifted Cas’s face to meet his. The whole feelings thing, Dean wasn’t good at. But kissing, Dean had experience doing that. Cas immediately responded to him, pressing into him, his mouth moving against Dean’s. Dean was the first to pull back a moment later. He rested his forehead against Cas’s as Cas tried to catch his breath. 

“Was it good?” Cas asked him between soft pants. 

Dean couldn’t help but chuckle. “It was great Cas. Everything I always dreamed it would be.” 

“You dreamed of kissing me?” Cas’s blue eyes widened a little as he looked up at Dean. Dean didn’t even bother to tell him it was just an expression, because yes, he had dreamt of it. So he just nodded and Cas smiled. 

This time Cas pressed himself into Dean, tucking his head underneath his chin and taking a deep breath. “Goodnight Dean.” 

Dean settled down again, a smile on his lips even as he closed his eyes. “Goodnight, Cas.” 

“Dean?” 

“Yes, Cas?” Dean chuckled. 

“I love you.” 

“I love you too.”


End file.
